My bother B flew in from Colorado early last week. Our parents are getting older. B and I both want to spend time with and help the parents. B stated working to clean up areas around the farm and I joined him later in the week. We want to get the house to a place where he can bring his 5-year-old and we can have someone come in a couple of times a week to clean and cook.
Cleaning out your parent’s house is an emotional journey. The most heart breaking part for me was seeing aspirations laying in waste; all of the preparation and none of the action. I wish I could go back in time to tell my mother, “YOU ARE ENOUGH!”
Preparing to create, bake, notice, act, love and/or do is not living. Start where you are; not from where you think is perfect. Perfect is a concept. There is no such thing as starting from perfect. Life is about enough. Perfect is in the creating, doing, loving, noticing, enjoying pleasure and laughing.
Before digging into the hard work, I started each day by riding my 24-year-old horse Moe. Now he just walks along with stiff back legs, but he is happy to be groomed and taken out for a spin. I guess we both remember speed racking over the same ground. Moe and I have covered thousands of miles together and we have been in some bad situations from which we both emerged unharmed. I trust him more than the majority of people I know. It is hard to no longer be able to trail ride on him. The task of finding my next horse is daunting. I don’t know how to replace what was the perfect horse for me.
For afternoon breaks I would ride with my dad. It was a good opportunity for me to get to know his big horse Huck. I’ll be borrowing Huck indefinitely. Dad and I got B to ride with us on Sunday afternoon. That was perfect.
My beagle Stella is somewhere between 14 and 16. She had been dumped in the woods when she picked me and Moe to take her home. She has had a hell of a life, but it is catching up with her. She still hunts the farm, but not for as long and her beautiful bay is not as loud or constant. I know that the time for me to make the best choice for her will soon come. I promise all of my animals that I will not make them suffer and that I will do my damnest with them in their final moments.
It is hard to witness the decline of all that I love the most. I’m trying to do my best, but sometimes the overwhelm or longing for what was gets the best of me. Being present is hard, but that is what we all have to do. Maybe being present is everyone’s purpose and the rest is just gravy.